Coming out at work, university, or school

I was listening to someone recently on a podcast making the point that, because of the way the Pride movement was founded and evolved, and because it was based around the lived experiences of cis gay and lesbian people, there was always an orthodoxy that there is an ideal way to come out, and it’s to be as open and authentic about it as you can be. For some people that’s true, but I also think there are times when maybe some trans people might have other thoughts.

The difference between trans people and much of the rest of the acronym is that coming out as trans is usually (but not always) followed by visual changes which can be partly explained to others by coming out. This adds another variable which, while it shouldn’t prevent anyone from living openly as their true self, can complicate things.

As I said previously, there are times when it would be nice to transition as if in a video game - one body to another, no comments from anyone, just moving around the world as normal. Even so, this isn’t that kind of world, and we need to keep ourselves safe while coming out in a way that satisfies our own needs. Being in a school, university, or a workplace while making possibly the most important change of your life makes it all doubly challenging.

I have come out at work in a kind of ‘soft-launch’ way, essentially wearing the kinds of clothes I would wear if I were fully out (women’s pantsuits, bodysuits, blouses), while not wearing makeup and only really discussing pronouns, rather than any deeper talk about gender - though this might change as I get used to my new reality.

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You might not be satisfied with this, and a more complete coming-out, what you might call a “hard-launch’, where you announce your name and your chosen pronouns, and present in a more gendered way, might be what you need in order to be comfortable. The point is, coming out is very personal, and you should do it in the way that satisfies you. You’re not a traitor to your kind if you take it slow, and there is no “wrong” way to come out, but if you do it in one go, that’s okay if that’s what you want.

In any case, if you’ve got as far as reading this newsletter, you probably aren’t satisfied with remaining in the closet, so let’s look at your options when it comes to a coming-out in the right way for you.

Find a trusted ally in the office or among your teachers

It’s important to work out who at your workplace or school is a person you know quite well, and who won’t blab to anyone about your plans. You need to be sure of this - there are plenty of people who will want to be your friend, but who will talk too much; talk to one of these, and your secret might not be a secret for long. If you’re talking to a teacher or university staff member in a welfare position, they’ll be professional about how they disclose the information, but be aware that different countries have different laws on what teachers are allowed to discuss with students, and it may be that they don’t feel comfortable discussing these issues with you, or aren’t permitted to. If so, the school psychologist provides confidential support to you, and will help.

Does the person you talk to need to be queer themselves? Not necessarily, although if they are, they most likely will have gone on their own journey of acceptance with family, friends, and maybe colleagues. Don’t forget, although everyone you see appears fully formed when you meet them, most people in the world have probably had times when their life has been a mess, or their career has been in chaos. Nobody quite has it as ‘together’ as they seem. The point is, whatever you’re going through, you’re highly unlikely to be alone.

Arrange a meeting somewhere private, with a door that stays closed. Tell them before the meeting that you’ve got something you want to ask their advice about. Be clear as to why you chose to talk to them, and, if it helps you get your thoughts in order, don’t be afraid to go in with notes.

Don’t talk to more people than you need to before you’ve made a decision - keep the circle tight, because if you only tell one or two people, it’s very easy to know who leaked it if it gets out. Tell ten, and there’s a lot more cover for anyone who wants to score points against you.

Don’t announce it right away on social media

This is a weird recommendation - I know that. But take it from someone who knows; announcing on social media is something that feels amazing in the moment, because the rush of likes and positive comments feels like the most concentrated form of dopamine rush. The problem is, we’re wired to seek that, and after the dopamine rush, you’re left with social media followers who may have outsized expectations for you, or may spread negativity, or may just not be as supportive as you’d hoped.

There’s also the risk that someone might use your beautiful, heartfelt post against you in some way. You are not doing anything bad, wrong, or that you should be ashamed of. Even so, be aware that social media is not the measure of who you are, and that unless you’re a celebrity, you don’t need to make statements online about life events. There are people out there who want to damage your joy. Control the circle, and come out in a way that is within your control; that way you make sure the ball is always in your court. Your identity is in a box, and the way you open that box is crucial, because once it’s out in the world, you can’t bring it back into the box.

It’s better to make any announcements in the old-fashioned way: from one person to another. Word-of-mouth allows you to gauge properly the reaction of your friends, and if it’s a colleague it tells you who you’ll really be able to rely on in the long term. Talking of which…

Don’t be surprised if colleagues aren’t allies

Most of your colleagues, particularly in a conservative profession if you’re working, or, let’s face it, a lot of kids at pretty much any school if you’re studying, won’t think they’ve ever met a queer person. You might have to learn to talk patiently to people about pronouns or deadnames like they’re eight years old. If they’re bigoted, you might even get pushback.

Most workplaces say they’re against all forms of discrimination, and if you say or do anything racist or sexist at work, you’ll probably get fired. But with the recent rollback of protections against trans people in many countries, there’s still a feeling among many people that trans people are somehow making a lifestyle choice, or that “believing in trans people” is a free-speech matter, like believing in ghosts, or the health benefits of green tea (off-topic but for the record, trans people exist, ghosts probably don’t but I wouldn’t rule anything out that cannot be ruled out, and it doesn’t matter how beneficial green tea is for your health, no drink that disgusting is worth it on a daily basis).

Many workplaces will take the view that if the government isn’t going to tell them to write a code of conduct for how to address trans people, they’re not going to do it by themselves and risk disharmony, as much as this is a terrible argument for not doing something.

All this means that trans people just don’t have the same level of documented protection that other minorities do at work. The daily inconveniences you will face probably won’t be outright badmouthing or dislike to your face. It’s more likely to be microaggressions. Misgendering you once or twice is fine, but if you politely correct your colleague and they either clap back or say exactly the same thing you asked them not to, they’re not an ally, as much as they might claim to be. The only way to learn who are real allies is through intuition, as much as it would be nice for there to be a test you could give everyone.

Have a strong community of friends

All this is why you should have a group of people outside of work who know you as you are, and who will help you put school or work in perspective. Having a life away from the place where you spend most of your time is vital, and when you come out, your support network will help and advise you. Don’t be afraid to lean on them. Join a trans Discord server, or subreddit, if you don’t know any local allies, though your local queer association will likely have events you can attend too. Being social isn’t easy for everyone, but your buddies will give you the boost you need to come out strongly.